Ed-U-Ma-Kay-Shun

I'm so not fucking impressed.

Booger went down to the "alternative education" orientation this morning. The VP looks at his records, noted that he checked NO beside the boxes on the questions "Do you see a therapist, psychiatrist or probation officer", noticed that he was getting a 95 in math and asked the question I've been trying to ask from the beginning.

"Why are you here?!"

Booger's answer: 'Cause I'm sociable.

VP's response: So.. why are you HERE?!?

Nice to know they're taking a "great kid" who doesn't really get into trouble except the usual teen stuff (no drugs, no gangs, no violence.. just.. hangin' out) and putting him into a criminal environment to "Straighten him out."

If I didn't trust my son so much.. and know that I raised him to have a good head on his shoulders, I'd be worried.

When he called me to tell me of the afore-mentioned conversation, I said, "Don't make the same mistake at this place.. don't be as sociable..."

He said, "What do you mean?"

"Don't do what they do...""Oh. Oh... THAT!"

"... and wear a condom."

He gave me one of his great belly-laughs that I love... and said he had to go 'cause the bus was there.

I really have no worried that Booger will make it through this.. 'cause after all, he's *my* boy.. LOL But the principal of his highschool really dropped the ball on this one. Seriously not impressed.

Now I know why some animals eat their young...

So the Booger got himself "withdrawn" from school. Permanently. As in.. they've asked him to leave.. escorted him to the door.. and would prefer it if he doesn't set foot on their property ever again.

I know you're all wondering what he did that was so horribly bad that they would tell him to leave.. never to return. Set fire to the school, you ask? Tie the teacher down and beat her with bamboo sticks? Dump gelatin into the pool? No. None of those.

He wasn't working hard enough.

He wandered the school halls and hung out like it was a social club.

He skipped a few classes.

In short, he acted like any other teenager in high school.

The difference? He turned 18 in November, and if he's not taking school seriously, they don't have time for him.

I can understand that. I can totally see where they're coming from. And I agree.. to a point. BUT.. he's bringing home 100% on tests in his math class. He's trying to turn himself around and become a good student, but you don't go from being an imperfect student to a perfect student overnight. He is trying. Unfortunately, the school decided it was too little, too late.

He's fucked himself.

Which means it falls on us to try to unfuck him. Again. We have met with the principal and asked her to change her mind.. give the boy another chance.. but no go. There are options. He can take courses in "alternative education" schools. But FUCK!!!! is it frustrating.

We warned him time and time again.. and he didn't get it.. He's a smart kid.. brilliant, even. But like most smart kids, he tends to spend a lot of time with his head up his ass.

DAMMIT. Only 12 weeks left before graduation.. and this happens.

This is why kids are cute.. 'cause if they weren't.. you'd strangle them 'cause of the shit they get themselves into.

"I am a woman and not a test-mouse!"

I love snopes.

My son has several books that contain different stories of information and assorted trivia.. and one story mentioned an interview done by a Hungarian magazine called Blikk. The interviewee was Madonna.. The questions to Madonna were asked in Hungarian and then translated to English. Madonna's responses were then translated into Hungarian. The interview was then published in Hungarian and, finally, translated back into English.

That was the extent to the truth of this interview. :D

To the book's credit, it did mention at the bottom of the article that it wasn't sure if the interview was just urban legend or not.. but really, all they had to do was what I did.. and look it up on Snopes. lol

The original interview, published in USA Today, was spoofed by cartoonist Gary Trudeau (creator of Doonesbury) and the results were hilarious. The interview made it's way around the 'net as "truth" and since it made me laugh my ass off, I'm going to share it with you. :) I can't find the original USA Today interview.. but if any of you do, please send it to me. :) It was done in 1996, while she was filming Evita, if that helps.

Here's Gary's spoof:

BLIKK: Madonna, Budapest says hello with arms that are spread-eagled. Did you have a visit here that was agreeable? Are you in good odor? You are the biggest fan of our young people who hear your musical productions and like to move their bodies in response.

MADONNA: Thank you for saying these compliments (holds up hands). Please stop with taking sensationalist photographs until I have removed my garments for all to see. (laughs). This is a joke I have made.

BLIKK: Madonna, let's cut to toward the hunt. Are you a bold hussy-woman that feasts on men who are tops?

MADONNA: Yes, yes, this is certainly something that brings to the surface my longings. In America it is not considered to be mentally ill when a woman advances on her prey in a discotheque setting with hardy cocktails present. And there is a more normal attitude toward leather play-toys that also makes my day.

BLIKK: Is this how you met Carlos, your love servant who is reputed? Did you know he was heaven-sent right off the stick? Or were you dating many other people in your bed at the same time?

MADONNA: No, he was the only one I was dating in my bed then, so it is a scientific fact that the baby was made in my womb using him. But as regards those questions, enough! I am a woman and not a test-mouse! Carlos is an everyday person who is in the orbit of a star who is being muscle-trained by him, not a sex machine.

BLIKK: May we talk about your other "baby," your movie, then? Please do not be denying that the similarities between you and the real Evita are grounded in basis. Power, money, tasty-food, Grammys -- all these elements are afoot.

MADONNA: What is up in the air with you? Evita never was winning a Grammy!

BLIKK: Perhaps not. But as to your film, in trying to bring your reputation along a rocky road, can you make people forget the bad explosions of Who's That Girl? and Shanghai Surprise?

MADONNA: I am a tip-top starlet. That is the job that I am paid to do.

BLIKK: O.K. here's a question from left space. What was your book Slut about?

MADONNA: It was called Sex, my book.

BLIKK: Not in Hungary. Here it was called Slut. How did it come to publish? Were you lovemaking with a man-about-town printer? Do you prefer making suggestive literature to fast selling CD's?

MADONNA: These are different facets to my career highway. I am preferring only to become respected all over the map as a 100% artist.

BLIKK: There is much interest in you from this geographical region, so I must ask this final questions. How many Hungarian men have you dated in bed? Are they No. 1? How are they comparing to Argentine men, who are famous for being tip-top as well?

MADONNA: Well, to avoid aggravating global tension, I won't say. It's a tie (laughs). No, no, I am serious now. See here I am working like a canine all the way around the clock! I am too busy even to try the goulash the makes your country for the record books.

BLIKK: Thank you for your candid chitchat.

MADONNA: No problem, friend who is a girl.

As you can see, this is why there was so much laughter in my ass, it fell off. :P

Better Really, Really, REALLY Late, than Never

About a thousand years ago, I posted about my son, Booger, getting his first Tattoo. It was our birthday present to him for his 18th. I posted a pic of it when it was half done, but I never posted the finished tat. So here it is for those of you who were regulars back then. You know who you are. And you know I love you. ;)

I also promised Chicka (MWAH, girl! You know we're gonna run Hell together! :D) that I'd show a pic of my tat... so here ya go, hon. :D

Knick Knack, Paddy-whack, Give the dog a bone!

Found this while surfing the 'net lookin' for... stuff... nevermind... look! Up in the sky! It's a dead bird!

So who can come up with a good caption for this? Anyone?

"Max always comes up with the BEST party games!"

"Who wants to play a game of 'Pin the Bone on the Human?'"

"All of your bones are belongings to me!"

"You want me to bury the bone where?!"

&

"Well what was I supposed to think when you said, 'Go bury the bone, Max!'"

~by Chicka

"Who's your daddy?"

~by Yellowdog Granny

"How to get rid of Mormons"

~by Mind~of~Madness

Aliens Worship Oprah

Who'd have thought that when the first extra-terrestrial book was translated, it wouldn't be a cookbook on how to munch on humans - it'd be their bible - and that they'd worship OPRAH!

Discovered by a construction worker by smashing cylindrical metal objects against his forehead, the vessel containing the book had scientists creaming themselves over numbers and mathematical signs - and some symbols that looked like UPN and NBC! What else could it have possibly been other than a TV Schedule?

The book discovered in the strange metal container had a cover illustration of "the unmistakable likeness of Oprah Winfrey". It doesn't say if it's the thin version or the fat version... but I suspect the fat version would have required a second edition.

To read more about this wondrous discovery, the full article can be found here. And anyone who's seen MIB knows that the Weekly World News would NEVER lie!!

I'm back..but I'm editing..

Yes.. I'm back...

But I'm editing stuff.. and deleting stuff.. and doing stuff in general in the background.. so don't be alarmed. :)

Here's something to keep you amused until my return. Talk amongst yourselves:

A Russian scientist and a Czechoslovakian scientist had spent their whole lives studying the majestic grizzly bear. Each year they petitioned their respective governments to allow them to go to Yellowstone to study these wondrous beasts.
Finally, their request was granted and they immediately flew to New York and then on west to Yellowstone. They reported to the local ranger station and were told that it was the grizzly mating season and it was much too dangerous to go out and study the animals.
They pleaded that this was their only chance. Finally the ranger relented. The Russian and the Czech were given cell phones and told to report in each and every day.
For several days they called in, and then nothing was heard from the two scientists. The rangers mounted a search party and found the scientists' camp completely ravaged. No sign of the missing men.
They then followed the trail of a male and a female bear. They found the female and decided they must kill the animal to find out if she had eaten the scientists because they feared an international incident.
They killed the female and cut open the bear's stomach… only to find the remains of the Russian.
One ranger turned to the other and said, "You know what this means, don't you?"
"Of course," the other ranger nodded. "The Czech is in the male."



AND... an oldie but a goodie...

You are driving in a car at a constant speed. On your left side is a 'dropoff' (The ground is 18-20 inches below the level you are traveling on), and on your right side is a fire engine traveling at the same speed as you. In front of you is a galloping horse which is the same size as your car and you cannot overtake it. Behind you is another galloping horse. Both horses are also traveling at the same speed as you. What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation? scroll down for answer.........................................


































Get your drunk ass off the merry-go-round.

Mom and the Giant Dildo

Okay, because I've touched on the subject a couple of times, I guess it's time for me to come out with the whole story. LOL

Mom and I have always had a sort of open relationship - and we're more like sisters than mother/daughter. We tell each other all sorts of things - and yes, there have been times that we've discussed things I really didn't wanna know about dear ol' mom, but I will always be there for her.

So one day, a very, very sad day, Mom's house burned down. She was at work, but she did lose some very dear pets. The firefighters were shovelling things out of the windows to keep the fire from consuming everything - it was a very old house, and went up like kindling. In no time, there was little left but a pile of her smoldering belongings on the front lawn. My husband (who was then my boyfriend) and I were there, helping her try to pick up what few things we could salvage when all of the sudden, Mom swooped down, grabbed something, and jammed it into her purse. Which brings us to the comedy of this story.

Remember. Tragedy plus time equals comedy. :)

I asked Mom what it was - and she pulled out.. a vibrator. And she had the saddest look on her face when she said, "It doesn't work anymore."
Chewing on the inside of my cheek to stop myself from laughing, I'm sure she thought the tears in my eyes were from the deep feeling of .. erm.. sympathy.. I was experiencing.
"Don't worry, Mom. We'll get you another one."
Which brings us to Aren't We Naughty. Seriously a great store. There have been many a time when nothing but chocolate titties will do as gifts for certain people.. and I'm glad to know there's an Aren't We Naughty nearby to accomodate my every.. erm.. whim. :D
Curiously enough, this is not a shopping expedition my husband wanted to participate in. LOL

Mom had never been in this store before. Her original vibrator was something like.. well, let's just say I'm leather n' lace .. and she's white cotton. It was an eye-opening experience for her, to say the least. I dragged her to the back of the store where we could pick out her new Battery Operated Boyfriend. Mom was like a kid in a candy store. Full of wide-eyed wonder at the pictures on the video packages, and the shapes and sizes of the dildoes and vibrators - and that's when it happened. I picked up the extra-huge, 4-foot long double-ended dildo and turned around quickly to show it to her - and smacked her right upside the head with it. I didn't know she was standing *right there*.

"Umm. Sorry." (Really, what is there to say after that?! - Besides, it was all I could really manage to get out through all the laughter.)
Mom quickly retreated to the front of the store and pretended to look at the much less kinky scented oils.

With tears streaming down my face from laughing so hard, I turned to put the dildo back on it's shelf - and no, no matter what anyone says, it was *not* reluctantly!! LOL

I had to get Mom back so we could pick out a vibrator for her, so I grabbed a huge black one from the shelf and yelled out across the store, "Hey, Mom!! Is this big black one something like the one you're looking for?!"

Worked like a charm. She was by my side like a shot, telling me to shush. LOL

We finally settled on a nice pink malasian rubber one that she has named Mr. Wiggley.

I don't ask her how Mr. Wiggley is doing, and we don't talk about the trip to the store - although I know that if Mr. Wiggley should ever go to that big vagina in the sky, I will once again be called upon for Aren't We Naughty Duty.

So there ya have it, folks. My Mom and Me. Gotta love us. :)

101 Things About Me

Apparently, this is a time-honoured tradition with blogs - every blog should have one. Since I'm still new to this whole thing and I haven't figured out how to post it on the side yet, you'll have to bear with me 'cause I'm doing it as a regular post - 'sides - at least this way, I'll have the link so I can add it to the side when I learn how. LOL

K.. so here goes - stuff about me - if you get bored, just skim and scroll.. that's what I'd do. LOL:

1. If I ever tell you I don't give a shit.. seriously - I don't.
2. I have an 18-year old son. I’m told I don’t look old enough to be a mom to a teenager, and I get weird looks when people see us together. I think they believe I’m robbing the cradle. LOL … Eyew…
3. My son thinks I’m the coolest mom ever.
4. I think getting piercings with your son could be considered quality time.
5. I have gotten into more trouble with school principals than my son has.
6. I’m extremely shy, and I try to make up for it by being an attention whore. If the spotlight isn’t on me, I feel lost – but it’s the last place I usually want to be.
7. I drink 3 times a year. On my birthday, on Christmas, and on New Years. Sometimes, I only drink on my birthday. Sometimes, I can stretch those drinks out over all three holidays – because my birthday is Christmas Eve.
8. I rarely have more than 3 drinks on one occasion.
9. Because I’m a control freak.
10. And I’m afraid of throwing up. Because I think I’ll never stop.
11. I once consumed 17 Keg-sized (that’s huge, by the way) Long Island Iced Teas. Topped off with a shot of Tequila.
12. I thought I would never stop throwing up.
13. I did, eventually.
14. I love to draw.
15. And write.
16. But I’m too shy to show people what I’ve done.
17. I feel naked if I don’t have nail polish and lipstick on.
18. My nail polish is a shade of red 99.9% of the time. For 3 days last year, I wore a coral/orange colour.
19. I loved it. But it wasn’t red.
20. My nail polish box looks like one of those kits that CSI carries around.
21. I have 27 different shades of red. I do my nails almost every day.
22. My eyes are so sensitive to light that I can’t leave the house without sunglasses on.
23. Even at night – because of headlights, street lights, etc.
24. I can wear SPF 70 sunscreen and STILL blister after being in the sun for only 15 minutes.
25. I will also get violently ill.
26. My husband says I’m a vampire, even though I prefer vegetables over meat.
27. Except during PMS week - when I prefer meat almost raw.
28. I “worship” Nature.
29. Sitting on a dock and dangling my toes in the water is my idea of heaven.
30. Until I start to wonder if something down there is going to come up and snack on them.
31. I’m not afraid of any animal, but I hate insects crawling on me.
32. I’m deathly allergic to bees.
33. I can only do my Nature-“worshipping” at night because of my allergies.
34. I think Nature finds this amusing.
35. I know I do.
36. I have to have water running while I’m in the washroom.
37. This drives my husband insane - Because running water makes him have to go.
38. I do it anyway.
39. I have to have a fan going beside me in order for me to sleep.
40. My husband wakes me up by turning the fan off.
41. Nothing else wakes me up faster. He can call my name over and over again, and I won’t wake up. The second the fan is off, I’m awake.
42. All white noise makes me tired.
43. I have fallen asleep while vacuuming.
44. Standing up.
45. The fall woke me up.
46. I quit smoking November 6, 2002.
47. I still get the occasional craving.
48. But in my sleep, I *really* crave them.
49. BAD
50. When I wake up, the feeling is gone.
51. I keep the half-pack of cigarettes I had left when I quit in my nightstand as a reminder of what I’ve beaten.
52. I hate the way cigarette smokers smell.
53. It grosses me out that I used to smell like that, but didn’t realize it.
54. I love the smell of some cigars, and all pipe tobacco.
55. I’m a very tactile person. I touch everything.
56. I won’t eat foods that feel weird in my mouth. Oatmeal is a no-go.
57. I love things that squirt in my mouth. Erm.. I was referring to juicy grapes n’ stuff, but for all you out there with your minds in the gutter, thanks for playing. ;P
58. If I have to get up in the middle of the night, I still get my childhood urge of jumping the last 3 feet to the bed so the monster under it doesn’t get me.
59. No matter how strong the urge, I never do. My husband would kill me if I woke him up in that manner. :)
60. I haven’t been eaten by that monster yet.
61. I think he’s afraid of the closet monster.
62. I have been described as “butterflies and sunshine – with a seriously twisted dark side”.
63. I’ve decided to believe it’s a compliment.
64. I’m a klutz. I break stuff. I knock stuff over. My husband won’t let me shop in China stores. :)
65. I’m a shoe-whore.
66. I have shoes I’ve only worn in the store.
67. I vow to start wearing them all every month or so.
68. I usually break this vow.
69. And I always feel horrible about it. Like I’m letting the Shoe Gods down.
70. I blame it on the weather. Every time. Let the Weather Gods take the fall.
71. I have learned to tune out anything anyone is saying that doesn’t interest me.
72. But I’ve found that these people usually expect a response.
73. That I can’t give them.
74. Because I’ve tuned them out – usually unintentionally. I’ve just become too good at it.
75. When I get angry, I cry.
76. Which makes me seem very vulnerable.
77. When I’m really thinking of ways to get even. Like putting tin foil bits in their food or chocolate ex-lax in their muffins.
78. I used to call my grandmother Grand-Monster, and I call my step-brother my Step-Bastard. We’re not very close.
79. The *only* family member I speak to is my Mom.
80. I like it that way.
81. I separate my food by colour and/or flavour before eating it.
82. I always eat M&M’s in the same order – red, blue, green, yellow, orange, brown.
83. The only M&M product I eat is their M&M peanuts, and only during PMS week.
84. Sometimes, to prove to myself that I’m not obsessive compulsive, I will eat a bite of each thing on my plate instead of one thing, then the next, then the next.. and I’ll find myself taking one bite of vegetable, one of meat, one of potato (or whatever), then starting all over again, thus creating another eating pattern – and proving that I’m probably obsessive compulsive. %)
85. I hate pantyhose. No matter how expensive they are, by the end of the day, your ass feels like it’s been sitting on a screen door. Hate ‘em. Hate ‘em. Hate ‘em. Hate ‘em. Hate ‘em.
86. I hate socks, too, but they’re a necessary evil when wearing some shoes.
87. Stockings are acceptable.
88. But I’d still rather go without completely.
89. I have been known to laugh at other’s misfortunes.
90. But then I feel terrible.
91. Then I have to laugh at myself for feeling so terrible. It can become a vicious circle.
92. I have been told that one of my laughs (I have several ranging from girlish giggle to full-out belly-laugh) sounds like Betty Rubble.
93. I have laughed so hard I’ve popped out a contact lens.
94. I got the giggles at my Grand-Monster’s funeral.
95. But my cousin wore a powder-blue tuxedo, so I don’t feel as though I was the worst offender.
96. But that *did* make me giggle harder.
97. It happened back when my husband (then boyfriend) first started seeing each other. I think it’s one of the reasons why he fell in love with me.
98. I have never told him that. :)
99. There are members of my family that make Trash a whole new shade of white.
100. I don’t speak to them.
101. I *do* laugh at them.